Baby Gender: Wishing For a Little Girl

I'm 10 weeks pregnant, and there's one consistent thought that keeps swirling through that sometimes forgetful "mommy brain" of mine. Will I finally get the little girl I've been dreaming of my entire life?

Before I reveal more of my personal feelings about this matter, I should clarify something. There's nothing more important than giving birth to a healthy child. Mom and baby well-being are always top priority. Unfortunately, I know far too many women who haven't been so fortunate. And while we should always be aware of the sensitive nature of this issue, I think our fear of being judged sometimes holds us back from sharing our true feelings regarding baby gender. And that's not healthy either.

So, why do I dream of Barbie dolls and pink tutus? Let me give you some perspective on the matter.

I have a very close relationship with my mother. She is and will always be my best friend. I grew up sharing my life with her and hearing about all the wonderful stories of my birth, and our adventures with me growing up as an only child. My mother prayed and prayed for a little girl - and that's exactly what she got. I took a slightly different approach with both my prior pregnancies. I didn't do anything, and I got two boys. Two AMAZING boys who mean the world to me. Was I secretly hoping for girls during both of my prior pregnancies? Yes. Do I ever wish my boys were girls? No, absolutely not. I wouldn't change anything about them. I think they're perfect.

I think this is an important distinction to make. I believe many moms-to-be are worried about sharing their hopes of a preferred gender because they don't want their child to ever think they weren't wanted. Because it simply isn't true. To overcome this, we try to avoid gender specific conversations, or we follow every statement with the phrase "but overall, I really just want a healthy baby". If you've done this in the past, please refer to my disclaimer at the beginning of this post :)

In my personal opinion, talking about gender preference or gender disappointment isn't about not loving your child. It's about having a preference or goal for your life. We've all had goals in life that weren't achieved and our paths were altered. Does that mean you don't like your life? No, it just means that it wasn't the original plan. Thank God many of my plans in life were changed unintentionally or my life may look totally different today.

In addition to my hopes of having a baby girl, I'm also dealing with the added pressure of everyone else in my family wanting a little girl. My husband has one sister with three young boys. I'm an only child who has two young boys and one baby on the way. My mother has been buying pink baby clothes for about four years now. They're currently sitting in a box - just waiting for the "right" baby to come along. Talk about pressure.

With both of my boys, we learned about their gender during the BIG 20 week ultrasound. With my oldest son, we brought two cards (a pink and a blue one) to the ultrasound. We had the technician place the correct gender color in the sealed envelope, which we opened later that day  - so all our friends and family could see. I was genuinely happy when I learned we were having a boy. We planned to do the same thing for our second son, but as the date drew near, I realized how much I wanted a girl and I didn't want to be videotaped if I was disappointed after the gender was revealed. Instead, we simply watched along with the sonographer as she typed the word "boy" on the screen. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Thank God there were no videocameras around. I felt ashamed. After all, the baby was perfectly healthy. He just had a penis.

This pregnancy is a little different because it's the last one. It's basically a "three strikes and you're out" type situation. I've got one more chance to get my little girl, and I'm scared. Waiting 10 more weeks for the BIG ultrasound seems nearly impossible. There's actually a new non-invasive blood exam that tests for genetic abnormalities and can also determine baby gender after nine weeks. It's cutting edge technology and only a handful of San Diego practitioners are qualified to perform the test. I'm considering this option. Or I may get an early 3D/4D ultrasound at about 15 weeks. In this case, I would go by myself and I wouldn't tell anyone about my appointment. Regardless of the outcome, I would just need some time to process everything alone.

You know, it's funny. If I'm basing everything on pure emotion (AKA "Mother's Instinct"), I'm 100% sure I'm NOT having a boy. However, I'm NOT 100% sure I'm having a girl. Math was never a strong subject for me in school. After dissecting this crazy equation, I can come to only one conclusion. I'm simply not willing to ignore those dreams of the little girl I've been having my entire life. It seems so real that it's almost like erasing a real person. If I push those dreams aside, where does it stop?

I've always believed you can do whatever you want in life, if you believe it. And I truly believe in her... even if we never get a chance to meet.